Personal

The Journey

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I have been trying to write this for two weeks now. I’m sure part of it is finally starting rehab on my shoulder. My daily schedule has shifted a lot since we moved. My blood sugar’s been bad, with my A1C having gone up a few points since my last visit. But here I am, finally making the words. Because I wanted to talk about where I’m going with writing right now. It’s a journey. I guess this is part of my process right now, so, why not share with y’all.

I’ve made it clear that I’ve been struggling since finishing By Demons Be Driven. Squeezed a few words out here and there last year, but always falling away again. Prepped two different books to write in ’21 and ’22 only to lose the drive again. I don’t lack ideas, at least. God, I’ve got a whole document full of ideas. Thought of a new one last night as I was falling asleep. I’ve currently got concepts for another 5 or 6 Grimluk books, the cyberpunk sword and sorcery book (trilogy? I think?), and the Stargate He-Man John Carter series. The latter two, if you’ve forgotten, would be set in Grimluk’s universe, with the former staying on Arkod, and the latter taking off for sword and planet adventures. Orcs at the forefront of both. I’ve also considered going ahead and doing Grimluk 5 like I’d originally planned before starting something new. I’ve got a big chunk of that book fleshed out in my head already and have for a long time now.

I’ve also been chewing on the idea of trying my hand at Romance. Whether an old idea or a new one, I don’t know. I’ve considered writing a romance series for Grimluk’s parents, Bakhor and Urgroz. Or maybe Emerald and Yara from Demons Within. And if I ever re-write “From Tusk ’til Dawn”, the orc lead and elf saloon girl could fit as very Buffy-style “urban” fantasy, helped along by the fact that I fully plan on bringing those two back for a Grimluk-fights-gender-swapped-Dracula book down the line (I told you I’ve got a lot of ideas for him).

And hell, I could easily finish some of the worldbuilding for the Battle of the Bands campaign and use that for a book setting too! I am absolutely fucking swimming in ideas and concepts for new books, even comics if I could find an artist who wanted to work together and get something rolling.

No, that is definitely not the problem, my friends. The problem is everything feels pointless to write. Frivolous, even. The old world is dying, straining with all its might to maintain power, one last gasp of hideous life to snuff out the new world before it can be born. We’re living in a system that demands blood, milk, and honey from a handful of gravel. The great irony being NOW needs stories most especially. So here I sit, struggling with executive dysfunction in one hand, and some unholy combination of ennui, existential overload, guilt, shame, and frustration in the other. It is incredibly difficult to pick a direction to go creatively when I feel so disconnected from life. Feeling pretty connected to myself thanks to a really good therapist and we’re starting to work on this, too.

I don’t know. I just thought maybe I’d share where I am. What I’m doing. Where I’m going. I hope life’s treating you well. May your struggles be few right now.

It’s April. Do you know where your Ashe is?

Ashe News, Personal

I’m still alive, I guess. February through March was taken over by a move to a new, bug-free apartment. And now we also have a washer and dryer, which is very nice. We’re still getting things situated. We need new bookcases and storage. It’s been a process.I’ve been feeling sparks to get back into the writing groove again. But I’ve also been recovering a lot from the move and possibly a post-covid flare up. My brain’s been all kinds of depressed this week in a variety of ways. Oh and I almost got into a wreck yesterday.

I’m slowly figuring things out. I may be switching one of my medications soon to something that is supposed to help with ADHD symptoms. I really hope it does. I would like to be able to figure out a daily schedule and get back to working. Got a doctor visit in a couple of weeks to suss that out at.

Admittedly, the drive to create is competing with the drive to fist fight capitalism itself. I should talk about this in therapy.
I hope you’re all doing well. Tell someone you love them today.

A Post-Covid Status Report

Ashe News, Personal, Writing ,

I’m copying this from Patreon because it pretty well covers everything I need to say for my writing career as a whole right now.

For those who don’t know, I caught Covid at the end of September, likely at a concert I went to. I WAS wearing a mask but I was also dealing with some medication issues that meant I HAD to try to hydrate while at the show. Unfortunately, my Pull-Down-Mask-And-Hold-Breath-While-Drinking game is not amazing so I ended up getting hit. While the physical symptoms weren’t awful, feeling like a pretty typical chest cold, it did scramble my brains and hit me with fatigue. And while the fatigue is finally passing, my breathing has stayed a bit rough. That, too, is starting to wane, so hopefully I will have no physical issues with Long Covid.

My mental health, on the other hand, is in the garbage. I’m a bit better than I was the first week of October, but the depression hit hard and has only slightly let up. And I fucking mean slightly. Which also means I’m doing some self-evaluations right now and I’ve come to a sad conclusion.

I don’t have any more words in me right now. I worked on By Demons Be Driven for roughly three years, start to release, and I’ve gotten some preproduction done on some projects but every time I squeeze out some more words, right now, that’s it. I was thrilled when I spent part of a Saturday a few months ago starting a Mr. Freeze fanfic idea I’ve had for close to a decade, but I haven’t touched it since. I was thrilled when I got Episode 1 of To Hehk With This written and (somewhat) edited for y’all, but there has been only few bits of character ideas done since then. The thought of trying to write another short story, much less a whole ass book, is repulsive. I think I managed to suck all the joy out of writing for the foreseeable future.

So what does this mean for Patreon?

It means we live in a capitalist hellscape and I at least need a consistent $80 bucks a month to cover car insurance and I have nothing to give back for your patronage right now. I know quite a few of you are friends just happy to support me but that’s not all of you. So if you want to cancel your pledge until I’m creating again, I understand and will not blame you one bit. The most I can offer right now is chronicling my health journey. This year has been a year of changes and setbacks and obstacles for me in a variety of ways. I’ve spent the past week struggling with even making this post because of the sheer guilt and shame I’m feeling.

Maybe I’ll end up trying to do other artistic endeavors and I can share those, but for right now, I’m spent. I’m barely getting chores done. I’m happy maybe getting back in the gym next week will do me some good, but considering I’ve struggled all year to make new words, I think it’s safe to say I’m actually truly burnt the fuck out.

I’m thankful everyone’s been pretty patient with me this year but I need to actually focus on myself for a while instead of kind of doing that while going “any day now I’ll write something again” and squeezing stuff out like the remnants of a tube of toothpaste.

Love y’all. See ya when I see ya.

Life

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I have not put any updates here in a while. To be fair, I’ve had few updates to give to anyone anywhere. The past six months have been…a time. Sales (and reviews) for By Demons Be Driven have been sparse. I’ve got two new books ready to start, each with a new protagonist, but I have yet to do so. Patreon content has been very low.

Burn out is the name of the game right now. I’m just burnt out. Two years of pandemic life, combined with its effects on my writing career, and a bunch of health stuff (for me and my partner) have me feeling empty. Add to that all the news that keeps flooding our eyeballs, and yeah. I even took a twitter break last weekend, I felt so bad. Then there was a shooting here in Tulsa.

I’m just not getting to live enough life right now for a variety of reasons. Covid is surging again so the summer is going to be bad for that. I still wear my mask when I go out. I’m sure we’ll all need to get another booster too.

So that’s where I’m currently at. Struggling to create anything right now and feeling ashamed of it. Struggling to take care of myself and ashamed of it. I’m trying but I hit a level of empty I’ve not felt in a very, very long time. As I told everyone on Patreon, I’m trying to get better. Please be patient with me. Which is not a thing I would say anyone needs to say but the grip of capitalism runs deep.

Hope you’re doing well. Take care of yourselves.

Blog her? I hardly knew her!

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It’s been a while since I’ve done an actual blog post. If you’ve signed up for my newsletter, you’re already up to date but for everyone else, I’ll try to go through the highlights from the year so far and my plans for Orctober.

The By Demons Be Driven Kickstarter did not meet its goal because I launched it and then COVID descended upon us.

I finally got a new PC built and started streaming on Twitch over the summer. I’m halfway to my Follower goal to start working towards becoming an Affiliate. You should give me a follow. I’m streaming on Tuesdays at 5pm central right now.

I restarted my newsletter because a friend pestered me into it. I decided to try to make it positive on top of Ashe news and share cool stuff.

I kept slowly pecking away at the third draft of By Demons Be Driven because working this year has been fucking hard. I got it done though. I’ll be starting the fourth in the near future.

I posted a Grimluk short story over on Patreon. “Big Iron”, his first assignment as a full hunter, inspired by the song. You can read it for a buck, along with the current project: The Battle of the Bands. I recently decided I wanted to try my hand at DMing, thus beginning the process of building a heavy metal fantasy world. Thus far, I’ve posted a few Lore facts and a lot of the setting, including a very basic map shape. I’m pretty excited about what I’m building.

I have no plans for Orctober this year but I DID just drop a box set for all three Grimluk books in one handy package for a measly $9.99 at your preferred outlet.

I have FINALLY done a sleep study and gotten a sleep apnea diagnosis. I actually started using my CPAP two nights ago. My head doesn’t hurt nearly as much this morning and I felt alert faster. I look forward to seeing what this does for me long term.

I also started playing guitar again recently. I made a deal with my partner that if I practice at least three times a week, they’ll buy me an attenuator for Christmas. That’s a little device that will let me use my very powerful amp at apartment levels.

I think that’s everything. I will be relaunching the Kickstarter for By Demons Be Driven in March once more and HOPEFULLY I can get funded this time.

And I apologize for the lack of Orctober shenanigans this year but given the hell year, and the lack of any ideas (or new books), I didn’t really have anything I could pull out. Hopefully next year will have a book release!

So that’s been my 2020 so far. Been some other personal stuff that’s happened but mostly it’s been that. That’s it for now!

A Demon in the Desert Fifth Anniversary

Ashe Personal, Promotion, Writing , ,
A Demon in the Desert cover

It’s been five years since I published A Demon in the Desert. Some time after I put it out, I blogged about everything I’d learned from. Five years on, those things still hold true but I’m not taking active lessons from it anymore. It serves as a very mixed gateway into the life of Grimluk and his adventures, with some people loving it and a few thinking it’s garbage. It’s a first book. And I don’t know what else to say on it.

I could talk about how sometimes I think about rewriting it but my desire to let it stand, as its own thing and as a sign of where I started mostly wins out there. It will stand as it is.

I could talk about how my friend, Krista Ball, told me about the five-year issue. It takes five years before you really get anywhere. But my fifth year is also the year of COVID-19 and I still only have three books. By Krista’s fifth year, she had 12 books out (or, as she put it when I asked, “A lot, and probably not enough, but also way too much.”). In self-publishing, quantity DOES matter, at least more than in traditional publishing. It’s also not smart to compare my journey to someone else’s. While Krista’s level of success is where I’m aiming, I’m also not her and I don’t write what she writes. Also at least one of those was a non-fiction and those always sell.
 
The truth is…this doesn’t feel like a big deal to me anymore. I’ve written and published three books and written a fourth that just needs the money for editing, proofing, and artwork (along with another couple of drafts). Releasing a book is still a big deal. Releasing a book is a big, nerve-wracking event where I push another piece of my very silly soul out into the world for people to consume, come what may. But the march of time? Not really.
 
The biggest thing about having been doing this for five years now is that…I can’t see myself not doing it anymore. Paying for the publishing sucks and is the hardest part of this, followed by marketing, but I love doing this. I love writing. I love creating. I love entertaining and it still makes me feel real. So even with COVID-19 rolling around, and the US absolutely DUNKING on itself, that hasn’t changed. Sometimes I feel like I’m being frivolous writing Grimluk and not like, some politically-charged, current events commentary sci-fi story. Which is kind of silly considering Grimluk is politically-charged in a different way. Part of a recent review for The Demons Within read:
 
I also like how Ashe has pretty seamlessly incorporated queerness and gender diversity into these books. In that respect, I do actually think I’d recommend these as good fantasy for middle school age queer/trans teens and early high school age queer/trans teens. Though gender and sexual diversity aren’t the main focus, Ashe incorporates them in a way that makes them feel normal and a part of the world, rather than make those characters anomalies or always in danger of persecution and ridicule. Not many other fantasy series featuring genderqueer orcs or queer elven or dwarven couples as a normal and accepted part of the world!
 
And that is a huge thing for me with this. So, sure, it’s trash adventure stuff but I’m still putting myself and my friends into it. Even if I was just writing pure adventure trash, oh well, people need that sometimes.
 
I’m just gonna keep going. In another five years, I’ll reflect on a decade as an author. Hopefully I’ll find 2025 a more welcoming place. A more stable and secure place. Here’s hoping we all do.
 
Now, given that I wasn’t really sure what to talk about and have rambled, mostly, I’m happy to answer any questions anyone has. I know most of you don’t really read these, but if you do, and something pop up, leave a comment or tweet at me or whatever and I’ll compile them together in a Q&A.

Stay safe.

2019 Year in Review

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This…was a weird year. Professionally, I have very little that happened. I finished the first draft of By Demons Be Driven around the end of November. Then Rachel Sharp put together the Gay Apparel anthology and I put a Bakhor-POV flash piece in there. That’s really about it. Book sales have been low in the later half of the year. October was the worst month I had when it’s usually one of my better. I think that came down to not doing anything for Orctober. I’ve got the second draft of By Demons Be Driven started now and I’m getting everything set for the Indiegogo campaign. If you’re curious why I’m switching from Kickstarter, it’s because of Kickstarter’s blatant anti-union stances. I’m pretty sure I’ll be able to finish in January and get it to some beta readers.

I shared some of my struggles getting this first draft done over on Patreon. Between Nici getting a new job, health stuff, sleep apnea, being unhappy with the ideas I was getting, it took me longer than I wanted.

Personally, I’ve been quite busy. February saw me run a GoFundMe for dental work, which was successful. I got a whole mess of fillings done, a tooth pulled, and then, finally, a partial denture. I ran another campaign for my partner, finally ridding them of their wisdom teeth. I also started going to yoga every week, which has been good for me. It’s a slow process though. I’m a bit of a mess. In July, I finally got a new bed. In September, finally got a new car. The new bed also, ironically, ushered in more issues with my sleep apnea, which prompted me to begin a third gofundme for that.

And over on r/Fantasy, I’ve been running a Dresden Files read-along. I managed to somehow pick the perfect schedule when I started in April. We read Dead Beat for October and now, with the Peace Talks release coming in July next year, we’ll be able to finish up Skin Game in June, read some of the short stories in July, and go straight into Peace Talks.

I also just celebrated my 7th anniversary with Nici. That’s wild.

And then there’s the unending hellworld bullshit that’s happened throughout the year. I can’t even remember everything that’s been in the news because of the sheer, ceaseless flow of it all.

That’s been my 2019, to the best of my memory. I hope your 2019 was good. I hope your 2020 will be amazing. Remember to take care of yourself and step away from the swirling vortex of terror that is social media and the news sometimes. I’m hoping my 2020 will be pretty damn good. June will be big. I turn 35 and it’ll be the 5th anniversary of A Demon in the Desert. I’m hopefully putting out a new one in October. I may get to do my first convention. Hopefully this will be a big year for all of us.

Big thank you to all my patrons and readers. Even the some of you who were friends to begin with. I’m incredibly grateful to have your continued support.

Take care of yourselves. And stay safe while partying!

Oh boy, GoFundMe Part 3

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I said I was going to draw this month, and finish Grimluk 4 (that might still happen) but uh, I’ve been dealing with my sleep apnea a LOT lately. And by dealing with, I mean, it’s kicking my ass. So I started another campaign. I’ve needed to get my sleep fixed for a LONG time. It’s interfering with my ability to work once more so here we go again. As always, you can buy my books or become a patron as well.

Help Me Treat My Sleep Apnea

 

Dental Work GoFundMe

Ashe Personal

Hey, y’all. I’m in pretty serious need of help with dental work and started a GoFundMe this weekend after my tooth started hurting Friday night. I managed to get into the dentist this morning and found out I have a non-draining abscess. I’ll be picking up antibiotics in a little while and I have an extraction set for next Wednesday. In the meantime, I could really use help getting the money together for all this dental work I need.

Ashe’s GoFundMe